OLD SALOPIANS
The Future of Cycling .... The Mike Poole Way!
Old Salopians Awards 2020
Well, what a year 2020 has been – one which has challenged us all in many ways. It has also reinforced to us the value we find in the camaraderie, friendship and support we derive from being part of the Old Salopians. Didn’t we miss it when it was gone. Zoom, Zwift and Watopia, were not adequate substitutes. When we finally got to kit up again and reunite on Beach Road, there was a palpable air of excitement.
So, whilst it has been a trying year in itself, it hasn’t stopped Old Salopians striving for excellence in the pursuit of those goals which they hold dear and the competition for some of the traditional trophies has been fierce. Like the AFL, the season was compressed, but no recipient should see their victory as having an asterix against it, as the winning performances would have held their own in any normal year.
So, the votes have been cast, the Supreme Court challenges have been heard, the electoral college has met and the results are in.
The Spencer Tunic Award – for gratuitous nudity
This award was only introduced in 2019 and clearly captured the imagination of the more narcissistic of the group. The award celebrates the willingness of the Old Salopian to share the undeniable beauty of their naked form with members of the unsuspecting public. Whilst the judges could not attest to what may have been shared privately on Zoom, there were still opportunities for contestants to strut their stuff in the pristine environment of New Zealand.
In fact, no sooner had riders disembarked from the ferry in Picton, than there was a frisson of anticipation in the air. On our warm up ride to Ocean Bay, a number of riders avoided the risk of getting their Speedos wet, and flirted with the perils of shrinkage, to bathe in the icy waters. An almost complete absence of passing traffic did dampen spirits somewhat, but this was just a taste of things to come.
Lake Rotoroa is one of the photo control points for the tour and renowned for its natural beauty – and its sandflies. Whilst Ryan led a small contingent of nudists for a quick swim off the pier, our previous champion kept his powder and his pecker dry. He scanned the environment, waiting for the perfect moment. When he spotted an unsuspecting family with young children coming into view, Rowan timed his naked entrance to perfection. With a cheery wave of his willy, he headed out to the beach, searing the memory of his ptotic buttocks on their collective psyches. Like many great performers, he did suffer for his art as the sandflies had the last laugh. His subsequent prodigious use of coconut oil attested to his sacrifice. It is also worth noting that, as news of this reached Wellington, Jacinda Ahern was suitably appalled. When she heard that Rowan’s erstwhile room mate, Nick Gelber also planned a trip to her country, she feared a second wave and promptly shut the borders.
Rowan Fell – The 2020 Spencer Tunic Award is yours.
The Christian Barnaard Trophy – for cardiac misadventure
It is great to note that whilst other awards may have come and gone, someone has always been willing to step up to the plate for this one. Whilst we have had the usual runs of atrial fibrillation from John Reeves, Noel Jacobs, Ian Collins, Brad Fry and Walter Lederman, this is now our new normal and not worthy of attention. Nick Gelber had a prolonged bout of lockdown apoplexy, which had us worried for a while, as his sense of righteous indignation grew exponentially. It appears to have reached its Zenith tonight and I understand that a crack team of public health officials are hard at work, hosing him down, with Premier Cru Burgundy.
However, one man lifted the bar to a new level. Greg Fotheringham, our trusty Kiwi guide, decided that 6 weeks out from the Tour Aotearoa was the perfect time to have 2 cardiac stents. He coyly asked his cardiologist, if a little riding would be OK during his rehab and when he got an affirmative answer, Greg embarked on a 1350km stress test, which he passed without difficulty. Greg – congratulations, you are a worthy winner – long may your stents remain patent and your commitment to doing the group’s washing endure.
The Isaac Newton – for applied research into the effects of gravity
Now here is an award that even the prolonged reliance on stationary bikes by many, failed to thwart some prodigious endeavours. I apologise that this particular award will occupy a disproportionate amount of time, due to the quality of the entrants. I can only list a few:
Honourable mention goes to Will Crothers. Will has been a quiet achiever in this field of endeavour over several years. He has travelled far and wide to seek new and imaginative locations to part company with his bike. He has fallen off in the mountains of Italy and in the company of Tour de France winners. On the Big River Track in New Zealand, Will opened proceedings, with an elegant fall to the left, followed swiftly by a less graceful one to the right, which snapped his derailleur.
Runner up is Daryn Steains, who had little prior form, but managed to achieve impressive vertical meterage by plunging over the edge of the same track a little further on and crashing through the bushes until coming to rest against a tree about 20 metres lower.
Nonetheless, both of these performances paled into insignificance ahead of what was about to unfold. Neil Christensen, whose endeavours have astonished his companions for years, was clearly not to be outdone. We noted his steely resolve, early in the trip, when Amy led a warm up Yoga session, which left Neil bleeding. So, he watched the others strut their stuff, but like a champion pole vaulter, declined to even bother with an attempt until the bar was lifted. Having watched the amateurs do their best, we were treated to a display of his mastery. On a relatively benign section of track, he took flight. Like watching an A380 take off, he seemed to defy the laws of physics as he parted company with his bike and ended up metres away upside down in a bed of ferns.
Now, while we are on the subject of physics, Neil decided that his legendary demonstrations of Newton’s law of universal gravitation were perhaps a little mundane. He decided it was time to put all 3 of Newton’s laws of motion into practice. I won’t run through all of them as I assume you are all familiar with them, but I will remind you of Newton’s 3rd law: when one body exerts a force on a second body, the second body simultaneously exerts a force equal in magnitude and opposite in direction on the first body. Clear?? But – not in Neil’s case: he went above and beyond. His one body managed to stop a tractor and plough in its tracks, precipitate a 2 vehicle collision and ground a helicopter.
Having flown off to Dunedin, leaving his luggage behind, he even had time to flirt with the public nudity award as he found himself hundreds of kilometres from his panniers – and cut out of his cycling gear.
You would think that was enough, but there was a coda to this magnum opus. On returning to Melbourne, Neil purchased a new helmet to replace the one used to attack the agricultural equipment. Donning his new purchase, he strode out to go for a ride, early one morning – and regained consciousness in his driveway, having knocked himself out just walking towards his bike.
Ladies and gentlemen. We are in the presence of greatness.
I give you the Isaac Newton winner once more: the Black Knight, Nails Christensen.
The Albert Einstein award – for stupidity
To refresh your memories, Albert Einstein said, that to repeatedly do the same thing and expect a different outcome was the definition of stupidity.
Now many punters suspected that Neil had a lock on this trophy as well. After all, choosing to go off the designated route, without telling his companions, so that he could terrorise Kiwi farmers, would, in a normal year, put him into the frame.
But there were others keen to demonstrate their capacity for high level stupidity. Justin Mackellin joined Peter Bertelsen in restumping houses for a living, despite both of them being highly qualified to do something significantly more lucrative. Nick Gelber organised an overseas golf trip in the middle of a pandemic and Simon Woods mistook himself for someone else and signed up again for the Peaks Challenge – followed up by organising a non existent cycling trip in the middle of a lockdown.
Matt Naughton again demonstrated his incapacity to learn from mistakes and put himself through the agony of organising this dinner. Nonetheless, whilst Neil and others were certainly inspirational, it took a special type of stupidity for someone to once again demonstrate his capacity to collide with stationary obstacles at speed, in the dark. Not only did he run into a parked truck with his nose, but he then turned up to work, expecting to calmly go about anaesthetising patients with a broken hand and smashed face– and hope no one noticed.
Our winner worked on the age old Salopian principle, that bones are not technically broken if you don’t X ray them and bleeding is only significant if you can hear it. Nonetheless, his continued torrential nasal bleeding onto staff and patients alike, was indeed noticed and Walter had to reluctantly accept the stupid reality of his predicament. I give you a man, who steadfastly refuses to learn from his prior mistakes, a man with a prodigious appetite for Eggs Florentine, especially those ordered by someone else.
The 2020 Albert Einstein Award for conspicuous stupidity – Walter Lederman.
The Lazarus – for return from death or a near death experience
Whilst many awards have come and gone over the years, this is one which has endured, with an unbroken run of worthy winners across a decade or so. When first inaugurated, many thought that Rowan Fell would be unbeatable, as he wrestled with never ending viruses, pH imbalance and metabolic derangement. However, it would appear that, with time, he has run out of viruses to get and they simply cannot mutate fast enough to keep up, now that most of his genome has been replaced with viral DNA.
Others have also risen to the occasion, with a variety of inspiring and improbable comebacks.
Scott Davies had a large section of his brain removed. His neurosurgeon told him that he only planned to remove stupid neurones, which did leave him with a lot of scope and Scott is clearly none the worse for the experience.
Once again, the judges had to seriously consider the performance of Neil here. To be flown out one evening in a MICA helicopter, only to reappear 250km to the South in time for drinks the next night, was certainly impressive. He then backed it up with a surgical evisceration of biblical proportions, which he handled with the expected insouciance. When Neil says, “I’ve had worse”, you have to take him seriously. Such is Neil’s apparent dominance in this field of endeavour that it was easy to overlook the fact that along the way he has also impaled himself on a branch and knocked himself out just walking to his garage.
However, one man has been playing a much longer game. I refer you to a legend of the team. Cast your minds back over a decade ago, to earlier, simpler times – a time when hairlines were more expansive than waistlines and many could remember their own coffee orders on a Saturday.
I’m talking about a man who jumped on the back of a tandem about 6 weeks after a course of chemo, followed by having his gullet removed - and promptly rode from Mildura to Echuca. I’m talking about a man, who, on day 2 of the Cabrini ride to Thredbo, dropped into the Euroa hospital en route – got topped up with fluids and steroids, then mounted up and rode on. This man was hard as nails before Neil ever embarked on unassisted flight. Since then, he has stared down endless challenges on all fronts, any one of which would have finished off the majority of us. But not this man. If anyone has ever heard him complain, they were mistaken. He is an absolute inspiration.
The 2020 Lazarus winner – yes, he’s back again. Bernie Handley.
The Mike Poole Award – for Conspicuous Non Attendance
Well, well, well, now this one has been challenging. Non attendance has essentially been de rigueur this year. It has been hard to distinguish those who were obeying the directives of Chairman Dan and Brett (the silver fox) Sutton, from those who had actually decided that they preferred the companionship of avatars in Zwift and FulGaz, to having to interact with their erstwhile friends in person.
The Committee had to sift the chaff from the oats to determine who had consciously decided to do the absolute minimum and truly embrace the values that Mike has modelled. Just when the committee were at their most challenged, a figure from the past emerged. He turned up to one ride, promptly vanished – and then was next seen booking in for tonight’s dinner. He has led by example – doing as little as possible, but still craving attention.
Come on down Steve Perry – you are the winner of the 2020 Mike Poole Trophy.
Noel's Salopians Song 2020
To the tune of “From little things big things grow”.
Gather round people let me tell you a story,
of 20 plus years of riding and fame
It started with 2 doctors, and a Sunday ride to the Market
to pick up some provisions without taking the train
With clunky old bikes and no real fitness
they pedalled their way to Elizabeth Street
Loaded with goods from the Queen Vic market
it was quite a sight as they wobbled Home.
From Little things big things grow, From Little things big things grow x2
Being adventurous they wandered out further
all the way down to old Mentone
A whole day’s adventure for these brave explorers,
their wives were wondering if they’d be home.
Gradually a small group through work connections
swelled the peloton to more than just those two.
Each Sunday at 7 from near central park,
the group would head off even if the wind blew.
From Little things big things grow, From Little things big things grow x2
Slick racing bikes were soon acquired
as cadence speed and fitness gradually improved
Through simple twists of fate and magnetic attraction
new members were sucked in and dragged down beach road
A group name was devised, and clothing ordered,
and in 2000 Team Caffeine was born
Each year the group would tackle round the bay,
and in 2003 nearly got washed away
From Little things big things grow, From Little things big things grow x2
With Dentists and accountants, plumbers and academics
the group grew quite large and professionally diverse
So large in fact that it decided to split,
With the Labradors meandering while the greyhounds flew
It even included a sailor residing in Scotland
who didn’t even know us or ride a bike
This fellow wrote of failing to resign from these Aussie Mamils
and their constant emails in the dead of night
He called us Salopians which seemed quite prophetic
As if French it means something extremely rude
From Little things big things grow, From Little things big things grow x2
Now the Woods travel company has provided delights,
from Japan to New Zealand along lots of back roads
And the challenges of the routes are often immense
With Mud and Snow and dead-end farm tracks
and once even required a medical helicopter flight
From Little things big things grow, From Little things big things grow x2
Well the reach of the Salopian’s is now quite huge
with many old members living across the globe
and some are up heaven with Angels keeping the tradition going on celestial bikes.
From Little things big things grow, From Little things big things grow x2
Coffee stop shops have come and gone away,
Racer and Egusto are well in the Past
But Niche is our home and we’ll always come back,
as long as there are Escargots and Clare’s sunny smile
But the annual dinner with its swag of awards
is the highlight of the year to retell the tales
Of the Lantern rouge and who won the sprints
and who is missing body parts and bits of skin.
From Little things big things grow, From Little things big things grow x2
Now that the song is over there’s only one thing to say
and whilst this isn’t easy I can but confirm
The group provides our aging bodies with companionship,
support a friendly ear and a welcoming grin.
From Little things big things grow , From Little things big things grow
From Little things big things grow, From Little things big things grow
From Little things big things grow, From Little things big things grow
