OLD SALOPIANS 


The Future of Cycling .... The Mike Poole Way!

Old Salopians Awards 2019

Good evening. It’s great to see so many people here and to also welcome some new Old Salopians, who we are pleased to have had join us over the year. For their benefit, I thought it might be useful to briefly explain this event and it rich history, For, we now come to that time of the evening and that time of the year where the Old Salopians celebrate their achievements and reflect upon the spirit that makes this group what it is. Not for us are vainglorious crass attempts at winning races or setting records. We are confident in our own abilities and prefer to recognise a wider range of competencies and performance in a field of endeavours, which other groups may overlook.

Newcomers will no doubt feel inspired to achieve greatness themselves with time and can learn from their more experienced colleagues, who have devoted themselves to the pursuit of excellence.

The governance of the award process is complex and beyond the scope of tonight’s presentation. Suffice it to say that the nominations have been submitted in the usual, prescribed format and the conclave has met to assess the contenders against rigorously established criteria.

As with any major sporting endeavour, over time, the rules do undergo review and, like the Olympics, new events are introduced, whilst older ones are retired. Some awards we have come to know and love will not be presented tonight. Last year, we broke the news that the Lanterne Rouge would not be awarded on an annual basis again, due to the Bradman like stature of the current and lifetime holder of this trophy in the field of slow cycling. Similarly, the Austin Powers award for the Old Salopian living the most shagadelic lifestyle, has also been put out to pasture, due to the decline in form of previous winners. We look to our newer members, to hopefully rekindle this event and permit the rest of us to live vicariously through their endeavours in this field.

So – having clarified the process, it’s time to commence.

The Lazarus – for return from death or a near death experience

This award celebrates the resilience of Old Salopians, who, having had a glimpse of that undiscovered country, from whose bourn, no traveler returns, adopt the advice of the great Goanna and just “ride it out”.

Ever since Rowan Fell has inexplicably been afflicted with lamentably good health, the field for this event has opened up. So this year, we have seen a number of strong performers, demonstrating their resilience.

Scotty frightened the Bejesus out of Amanda with another turn, before immediately bouncing back to robust health and powering his way around Tasmania.

Greg Toogood put in a strong performance, riding the Tassie Tour, 2 weeks after breaking an assortment of ribs.

In second place, Nails Christensen, the Black Knight of the group. Neil has a cycling career based around near death experiences, from complete gastrointestinal failure on the slopes of Baw Baw, to heat stroke in South Australia, or transient blindness in New Zealand. If he’s not clotting, he’s bleeding from various improbable places and still he soldiers on, with a jaunty insouciance


However, for a return from the dead more improbable than the last of the Harry Potter films, one man pulled away from the field. With his pelvis still like a jigsaw puzzle and his clavicle now articulating in new and unexpected ways, Stuart managed to strike fear and dismay into his allegedly able bodied colleagues as he leapt straight out of the crypt and onto a new Focus bike to soar up the hills behind Eltham a couple of weeks later.

Stuart Partridge – the 2019 Lazarus winner



The Christian Barnard - for Cardiac misadventure. 

It has been a relatively quiet year in the cardiac front. Noel has had a few desultory bouts of AF, Gordon has had the occasional cardiac arrest, but these are now passé. It has essentially been another two horse race. 

The runner up is Walter Lederman, who not only signed up for his second AF ablation procedure, but chose to have it two weeks out from the Tour Aotearoa, suggesting he was more interested in the Einstein award than the CB. As we have seen in previous years, lack of focus can lead to failure. Furthermore, the procedure went well, apart from most of his red cells moving to his groin, so he lost points for a successful recovery. 

So the winner of this year’s award is a man who deliberately set about putting himself into AF by again organising the kit orders. On waking from his ablation procedure, he received a text asking if the sock colours could be changed and promptly went back into an abnormal rhythm in recovery. Although his heart rhythm has largely settled, he gained extra points for having the bizarre complication of intractable and inappropriate yawning, which we understand has done little to enhance his love life. 

Ian Collins.



Spencer Tunic Award 

This is a new award, sponsored by the famous artist, Mr Spencer Tunic, whose genre is to photograph mass nudity in public. It celebrates the justifiable pride that many Old Salopians have in their bodies and their understandable desire to share them with the unsuspecting public. Some got a head start with a preseason intensive, in the Onsens of Japan, before the contenders swung into serious action in New Zealand. Whilst a number of riders had a brief flirtation with this award, it soon came down to a race in 2:

Peter Bertelsen started strongly. On the second night of the Tour Aotearoa, he demonstrated the traditional Danish art of naked mosquito swatting, to the bemusement and consternation of his room mate Daryn. He followed this up with a bold showing in the dubious waters of the Mineral Springs Motel, much to the amazement of a young couple who were checking out the pool. After another display in the hot tub beneath the sacred mountain of Te Aroha, most thought he had the trophy in the bag. To put the finishing touch to a stellar year, he dropped his pants in Niche to demonstrate a recent injury. Onlookers were relieved that it was his hamstring, not his haemorrhoids, which had been troublesome.

However, Pete hadn’t counted on the capacity of a seasoned campaigner in the sport of unexpected and inappropriate nudity. Those who study the form would have harked back to the testimony of Gelberini, from the fateful Spanish trip and realised the naked ambition of this man. At the Timber Trail Lodge, a young female Canadian employee showed a group to their rooms. With the fateful statement of ‘this one’s empty’, she flung open the door to be confronted by a naked Rowan Fell. Her consequent cries of “I can never unsee that” and rapid onset PTSD was one of the many times having a psychiatrist in the group came in handy. 

Whilst this was sufficient for him to draw level with Pete on points, he clinched the deal on the last day, choosing to complete his morning ablutions on a grassy knoll overlooking the highway, with the morning sun gleaming off his buttocks. 

So, the inaugural winner of the Spencer Tunic Award - for gratuitous public nudity. 

Is, of course, Rowan Fell! 



The Isaac Newton Award - for applied research into the effects of gravity. 

Well, well, well. If there is one award that has excited the most interest, it has to be this one. It seems like almost everyone has had a crack and it has required close attention to the bylaws and scoring system to identify a winner. Alas, I cannot mention everyone, but here are the finalists:

Tim Francis focused on precision falling. It takes considerable skill to always land precisely on your nose, but Tim was able to execute this challenging feat repeatedly as confirmed by his gallery of selfies. He is so confident in his abilities, he has prophylactically changed his passport photo accordingly so he will be able to come on next year’s New Zealand trip and be recognized by the eGate technology at Tullamarine.


Honourable mention to The Mighty Gelberini. Clearly miffed at the cancellation of his signature event, he turned his attention to the Newton. He presented to the judges a series of 2 falls, distinguished by the signature lack of forward motion and combined them with a third elegant sideways displacement onto a grassy verge, causing an astonished Kiwi farmer to almost lose control of his tractor from laughing. 

Second place goes to a man who started the season in spectacular fashion with a high speed dismount on Lorimer St. With a laundry list of fractures and demolition of his bike, it was clearly going to take something special to unseat Stuart. 

And so, with steely resolve, one man set about steadily accumulating sufficient points to reel him in. He warmed up by head butting a stationary car, whilst riding uphill, destroying his bike in the process. On the Tour Aotearoa, he set himself a goal of a fall a day over 17 days. After a slow start, he really got into his stride after Mangopurna, with the scoreboard ticking over steadily. From that time forward he spent much of the trip inverted, as his companions rushed to achieve a good camera angle. 

 And then, on the Whykickamoocow track, blinded by rain and an earlier altercation with a bush, he pulled off the near impossible: he threw himself at the ground - and missed. Whilst he clung to a branch, with the raging Whanganui river below, Rowan Fell hauled him back onto the track and to victory. 

Neil Christensen- take a bough. 



The Einstein Award – for stupidity

As most people will recall, Albert Einstein observed that there were only two things he believed to be infinite: the universe and human stupidity – and he wasn’t sure about the universe. Had he spent time in the company of the Old Salopians, any doubt would have been erased. The field has been crowded for this event, with many cyclists having a dabble in their own, unique way.

With so many contenders, the judges have had to be quite strict and only consider the purest forms of stupidity.

A very strong, but highly controversial showing came from a man whose competitive spirit has been evident to all over the years, with his vice like grip on the Lanterne Rouge. When this award was retired, it seems he cast around for some other opportunity to add to his trophy collection. After the aforementioned dabble with the Isaac Newton, he focused on the Einstein and built his strategy around the New Zealand event. We all know that Nick is a very intelligent man, and stupidity does not necessarily come naturally to him. So, to triumph in this field, he needed to prepare and plan meticulously. A whistleblower has passed on this damning checklist which he took on the tour.

•Don’t read notes in advance – check
•Don’t take route notes on ride – check
•Don’t have a GPS – check
•Turn data off on phone – check
•Take wrong tyres for gravel – check
•Don’t bring spare parts - check
•Ensure shoes won’t uncleat – check
•Don’t bring lights - check
•Don’t train – check
•Ride off in random directions when the rest of the group is distracted – check

He clearly thought such diligence should be rewarded, but sadly no. All that planning was ultimately his undoing. Like the Spanish basketball team who attempted to compete as disabled in the Para Olympics, the judges ruled that he must have been faking his stupidity.

Not so another Salopian, to whom stupidity comes more naturally. Mid year, he boarded a plane, flew to Norway, travelled to Trondheim, got on his bike and rode 550km straight to Oslo, without rest or sleep, before flying home. Some weeks later, when the feeling had returned in his hands and his knees were able to flex again, he was feeling confident, but not absolutely certain of victory. With Judgement Day looming, he boarded another plane and flew to Oman, where he took his bike for a prolonged walk, wheeling it up paths that even had the local goats shaking their heads in disbelief and eschewing all temptation to get on the thing and ride it.

In a world full of wonderful cycling opportunities, this man has taken a different path. From the rockfalls in Kygrstan to the headwinds in Tierra del Fuego, he has repeatedly invested time and money in taking his bike to places unsuitable for cycling – and for that, we celebrate the power of stupidity.

Ben Brady


The Mike Poole

And finally, we come to the signature trophy of the Old Salopians, the Mike Poole award, in honour of our absent patron. Some of you may be aware that Mike has been inspired by our efforts, bought a bike and gone on Strava. Mike’s Strava figures for 2019 show he has been on 4 rides, so he has clearly put himself in contention for his own award.

However, he will have to do better, or worse, perhaps, than that to join the panoply of non attenders in our own group. Now again, I have to point out to novices, that there is no point in performing after closure of acceptances. I understand there was a rush of ad hoc appearances last week, from the likes of Peter Moran, Anthony Bergelin and Steve Perry.

Geoff Thomas and Andrew Kitchen have all put themselves in contention and there was some discussion that the Goanna himself was sniffing around this award, but disqualified himself with an appearance in Tasmania.

There has, however, been one, very quiet achiever in this category, who has snuck up on us. Despite frequently committing to rides, his actual attendance has been almost undetectable, but just enough to stay in contention. By a combination of frequent overseas travel, chronic narcolepsy and an aversion to any chance of rain in the Southern Hemisphere. 

Our worthy winner of the 2019 Mike Poole trophy for conspicuous non attendance, is none other than Matt Naughton.



The Lazarus Award   -   Stuart Partridge
Christiaan Barnard Award   -    Ian Collins
Isaac Newton Award   -    Neil Christensen
Spencer Tunic Award   -    Rowan Fell
The Einstein   -    Ben Brady
Mike Poole Award   -    Matt Naughton