OLD SALOPIANS
The Future of Cycling .... The Mike Poole Way!
Old Salopians Awards 2018
Good evening ladies and gentlemen. We now come to the Awards Section of the proceedings. This is the time we celebrate the achievements of the Old Salopians and recognise the commitment that we all make to upholding the values and traditions of this organisation.
As some of you might have noticed, our name sometimes causes some puzzlement. Furthermore, the unique corporate structure of the entity is one that can cause puzzlement, so too the mission statement, strategy and vision. It is remarkable testament to just how narrow the thinking can be in the world of Harvard Business School and the like, that the success of this organisation flies in the face of all concepts of how people should organise around a common purpose. Perhaps that is where the paradox lies, because the purpose is obscure and chameleon like. I think that to be a member means different things to people at different times. Are we a mental health collective perhaps? Or could we be better described as a drinking group, with a cycling problem?
Whatever we are, we know that being part of this group is important to us and that significant achievements are not simply defined by who can ride faster or further. If that were all that defined success, then only few would succeed. These awards recognise the many talents that in other clubs would escape the eye of the commissaires.
Having said that, it is with some sadness that I should point out that a couple of awards will not be made this year, due to lack of significant achievement in the requisite criteria. I speak of course, of the Austin Powers Trophy and the Floyd Landis Cup. The Austin Powers trophy for the rider leading the most shagedelic lifestyle – preferably on the international stage, has had previous proud winners like Scott Davies, Ben Brady and Nick Bourke. With Scott long retired and Ben remaining peripatetic, but now committed, all eyes were on Nick. Sadly, in what is almost the antithesis of what many young athletes experience, Nick’s commitment to his football teams have led to him dropping out of the Bumble top 100.
The Floyd Landis trophy, for the rider with the most improbably improvement for the year, also proved challenging. Whilst some behaved improbably, there appeared to be a paucity of improvement evident.
So – we revert to some of the traditional endeavours and there is just one new one that emerged.
The Lazarus: For return from death or a near death experience.
Once thought to be the exclusive domain of Rowan Fell, many other Salopians have risen to the challenge and with the mantra of “Anyone but Rowan”, put themselves before the judges. This year’s nominees are:
Scott Davies: Scott had a nasty episode earlier in the year, which certainly caused concern for many people. Probably the least concerned was Scott, because he was unconscious for the most part. Subsequent investigation identified a segment of Scott’s brain that he had never previously used. He was advised to stay off it and not think too much. He has done so, now making a full recovery.
Gordon Lawrence: On the recent Japan trip, Gordy was thought to be clinically dead. Slumped on a table at lunchtime, he underwent standard brain death testing by being offered a beer. When he declined, saying he “couldn’t face the thought of one”, there was general acceptance that death was at least imminent, if not already established. Nonetheless, on the next day, he rode 100km plus, making him a strong contender for the Lazarus.
Ross Foster: On the same Japan trip, Gordy and Ross were sharing a room. The following evening, after the gnome had defied a raging case of Ebola to complete the day’s ride, he was found unresponsive in their room. Gordy applied the same test, with the same result – and therefore drank Ross’s beer for him, before going off in search of medical assistance. By the time help arrived, Ross was showing signs of life and resuscitation was completed by liberal applications of Sake.
Neil Christensen: put in a strong showing by again collapsing on the slopes of Baw Baw. Whilst not completely dead, his gut appeared to lose the will to live and headed down the mountain without him.
However, Neil has made this almost a routine part of his repertoire, so it lacked originality and was marked down accordingly. Gordy and the Gnome also lost points on the basis of previous form – we have become accustomed to their near death experiences and look forward to them becoming more inventive in years to come.
So in a year of imposters and self plagiarists, we are left with a remarkable character and one who genuinely inspires us all. The only man to stop eating and gain weight – it’s great to see you back in the colours and riding with the peloton:
Bernie Handley
The Christian Barnard award for cardiac misadventure
This is another longstanding award with many previous distinguished winners. Indeed, it has become increasingly competitive over the years. The judges are no longer impressed with simple atrial fibrillation. Brad, Ian, Walter, John – sorry, you will need to do better.
Pulmonary emboli appear to be commonplace, Pete and Neil - and even a stent is now unlikely to be sufficient. Nick Gelber pulled out something special a few years ago with the poetically named Cocksackie virus and made a late rush for the line this year too, but could only produce a few feeble ectopics.
Justin Mackellin surprised us all, by allegedly developing an obscure condition that had the doctors in the group furtively googling under the table to appear knowledgeable about what he was thought to have. Not since Nick Gelber’s myocarditis or Peter Bertelsen’s emboli has a Salopian heart been so investigated. Now some of the judging panel were concerned that his results had been fudged and that he was in fact in rude health. Matt Naughton positioned himself as a whistleblower, pointing out that he had never seen a man less likely to have a heart problem and demanding a B Sample. These allegations are currently before the UCI, but in the meantime for sheer audacity, if nothing else, the winner of the 2018 Christian Barnard Award is
Justin MacKellin
The Isaac Newton Award – for research into the effects of gravity
This award has only been going a few years, but is keenly contested. Just to be clear, attempts to increase gravitational pull simply by gaining weight are not within the spirit of the award. I can see a few attendees looking a little sheepish. No, the judges are seeking examples of that art form by which a Salopian seeks to break the shackles of gravity and take flight – albeit briefly. Points are awarded for style, degree of difficulty and execution. Sheer volume of falls is insufficient, which is perhaps why Neil Christensen has been surprisingly quiet on this front. So, to the nominees:
Peter Bertelsen: the wily master of falling, submitted another entry this year. Pete has gone for variety and novelty over the years, with falls featuring snakes, tree stumps, drainage grates, all accompanied by liberal lashings of Pepperjack. This year’s entry, however, was ruled ineligible as he omitted the key requirement of being on or near a bike, choosing instead to fall off a chair, which is something all of us are likely to master in our latter years.
Ben took falling onto the international stage, with an alleged fall in a country that even its own inhabitants struggle to pronounce. There were allegations of concussion and broken ribs, but the scrutineers have been unable to validate these claims.
Anthony Bergelin was attacked by a magpie and injured his coccyx. The judges were immediately suspicious as most magpies aim for the head, not the bum. Another contentious entry.
Ross Foster submitted his usual repertoire of high speed falls. However, the judges consider that unfortunately, Ross is chronically ineligible as you need to be able to fall – from a height.
Anthony Bourke entered the fray with a last minute crash on the bike path, but unfortunately this was post season and his entry will have to be held over until next year.
So, this year, our winner is someone who stuck to the basics: a no frills fall with a classic cycling injury of the fractured clavicle. Like the perfect simple swan dive with pike, it must be executed perfectly to score: it was - and she did:
Melissa Munday – congratulations
The Albert Einstein Award – for stupidity
And whilst we are on the subject of physicists, I remind you that Albert Einstein once said that the definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I would say that the room is full of contenders, so it needs an extra special something for one person to rise above the level of simple baseline stupidity, as exemplified by getting up before dawn and flogging yourself senseless on a bike. It needs to be someone who is able to dismiss all the alarm bells ringing in their brain, ignore common sense and still set about a course, in the certain knowledge that the rest of the world will shake their heads in disbelief.
It has seemed in recent years that Stuart Partridge has had a mortgage on this trophy and he made a stab at it this year, enquiring who would be interested in riding up Donna Buang in a snow storm. Unfortunately for his chances, some little glimmer of sanity prevailed and he went back to bed.
Daryn, undertook a covert black ops ride. His cover story was lifted straight out of ‘True Lies’ - you know “Honey I work as a computer salesman”. He appeared to be a dead set certainty for the award, but then again cruelled his chances by displaying enough sense to be elsewhere tonight and thereby not risk blowing his cover. In fact Daryn’s love of convoluted planning reached an absolute zenith, when he devised a plan to be allowed to come on the New Zealand trip, that somehow required him to go on a tandem ride with his mother in law in Portugal. So cunning was this plan, that no-one other than Daryn could understand the linkages in his strategy. However, it did compel us to create this handsome trophy of the Sun Tzu Award – for strategy. If Daryn breaks cover again, we can pass it on to him.
Anyway – back to stupidity:
We’ve had Gordy, Ross, Pete and myself, all choosing to ride up mountains in Japan whilst on one lung. John and Mark have developed a passion for riding to Shoreham on days when Melbourne weather is at its most capricious and vicious.
But this is all just routine silliness.
No – it took someone to take on a challenge destined to bring nothing but disappointment and heartbreak to win. I speak of course of the man who volunteered to oversee the redesign of the Old Salopians jersey. Lesser men would have had the common sense to only feign consultation and only pay lip service to democracy. Instead, he forged on, in the face of electronic heckling, fatuous suggestions and electoral fraud of a magnitude that would have made Mugabe blush.
Ian Collins – we salute you.
The Mike Poole Award – for conspicuous and flagrant non attendance.
Every year, certain riders seek to maintain membership of this distinguished organisation, whilst emulating our founder and patron, by keeping a safe difference from any actual riding. Requirements for nomination are that the rider appears at least once for the year and has the potential to appear on more than one occasion, but chooses, in their wisdom, not to.
I should point out that Mike Poole himself has put forward a case for consideration here, inasmuch as he has actually purchased a bike and joined Strava. I checked his Strava this week and so far, in 2018, he has logged 3 rides for a total distance of 25.6km. This would put him in contention, but his failure to have even one of these rides with his fellow Old Salopians disqualifies him from contention. I am slightly worried about Mike as last contact with him in September indicated he was having problems getting his foot out of a cleat, so we trust that he has sorted this out in the last couple of months.
We have had a number of riders grace us with their absence this year. Gordon has done his bit and Neil has been conspicuous by his absence.
Even Matt Naughton has had a crack. Due to the idiosyncratic weather pattern that appears to hover over his house, Matt has experienced an extraordinary number of rain cancellations, in a year, where everywhere other than Linda Crescent Hawthorn has experienced drought.
However, our winner has come out of left field. He has appeared just often enough to qualify and then spent the rest of the year dedicated to Strava. He is the only man who has bestowed more kudos than he has ridden kilometres.
Anthony Bergelin: Congratulations
The Lanterne Rouge:
Our final award is, traditionally, the Lanterne Rouge. Now it would be fair to say that last year’s result was controversial. The winner, Gordon Lawrence, protested - against himself. He claimed that there had been evidence of forward motion in his legendary ascent of Sierra Nevada. Meanwhile, the vanquished erstwhile champion, seethed that one burst of speed and endeavour had marred a season of otherwise exemplary languor.
Needless, to say, Nick has come back with a vengeance. Beware the wounded champion. He has employed his regular techniques of frequent overseas trips with time off the bike and the long, long taper. Moreover, like Tiger Woods redesigning his swing, he has also completely revised his riding style to a new, high cadence technique, whereby furious rotation of the cranks does not translate into discernible velocity.
However, Nick, the judges have become concerned about the toll this singular focus is placing on you physically and mentally and have come to a decision. The Old Salopians hereby acknowledge your dominance in your chosen discipline and henceforth will retire this award. You can consider this as a lifetime achievement trophy and we hope you can now move your considerable determination and focus to new and faster pursuits and be back in the bosom of the peloton.
The 2018 and Lifetime Lanterne Rouge: Nick Gelber.
