OLD SALOPIANS
The Future of Cycling .... The Mike Poole Way!
Old Salopians Awards 2017
Good evening and welcome to that part of the evening which celebrates the diverse accomplishments of Old Salopians throughout the year. Many awards, focus unnecessarily on athletic excellence, academic rigour, or contributions to society at large. The Old Salopian awards adopt a different approach and celebrate the diversity of achievements that members can lay claim to – achievements which contribute to the culture of the group and exemplify the rich range of talents that exist within the group.
Having said that, there is still some confusion about the criteria for entry and again we have seen a couple of competitors put in a stellar performance, only to suffer the disappointment of leaving their run too late. I speak of course of Brad Fry, who developed a cardiac arrhythmia on the ride just yesterday. Given that Brad is relatively new to the group, this is perhaps excusable. Less so, however, is Will Crothers flying off his bike a week ago. As a veteran of the sport, he should have known better. We suspect that the opportunity to have an anecdote which begins with, “so I was just sitting on Chris Froome’s wheel with 500 meters to go, was just too much for him to resist”.
Anyway – to business:
The Christian Barnard – for major cardiac events in 2017
Now it is a sad reflection on this group of aging coodabeens, that major cardiac events have been few and far between in recent times. Could it be that this activity actually provides us with some benefit? Justin Mariani, for one, is distraught. If more middle aged to elderly men behaved in this way, he and his cardiological colleagues could be out of a job and hawking their plumbing skills to the Drain Man. Nonetheless, we Old Salopians are committed to supporting our brothers and sisters in arms, so a few have done what they can to keep Justin and his colleagues in business. For 2017, the nominees for the Christian Barnard award are:
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John Reeves – who has mastered the art of managing his atrial fibrillation with a judicious dose of beta blocker, washed down with a pinot on Friday night
John Reeves – who has mastered the art of managing his atrial fibrillation with a judicious dose of beta blocker, washed down with a pinot on Friday night•Walter Lederman – whose recurrent AF has led to him developing the theory that there is “good” AF, which you can use to your advantage. This has yet to gain mainstream acceptance in the medical community. Nonetheless, he continues to explore the potential that having a high heart rate can bring, to the Old Salopian Saturday B team.
Walter Lederman – whose recurrent AF has led to him developing the theory that there is “good” AF, which you can use to your advantage. This has yet to gain mainstream acceptance in the medical community. Nonetheless, he continues to explore the potential that having a high heart rate can bring, to the Old Salopian Saturday B team.•But the winner, for 2017, has taken another path to victory. Like Peter Bertelsen and Matt Woods before him, this man has decided that if your heart is actually OK, you can still get into contention by giving it one hell of a fright with a pulmonary embolus. Now, to achieve this, he had to discontinue his anticoagulation. Whilst some were alarmed by this move, given his propensity to dismount from his bike at high speed, more shrewd observers saw his commitment to winning this coveted award – and he delivered. I give to you, the 2017 winner of the Christian Barnard trophy – a man whose blood would be worth bottling – if it hadn’t already clotted:
But the winner, for 2017, has taken another path to victory. Like Peter Bertelsen and Matt Woods before him, this man has decided that if your heart is actually OK, you can still get into contention by giving it one hell of a fright with a pulmonary embolus. Now, to achieve this, he had to discontinue his anticoagulation. Whilst some were alarmed by this move, given his propensity to dismount from his bike at high speed, more shrewd observers saw his commitment to winning this coveted award – and he delivered. I give to you, the 2017 winner of the Christian Barnard trophy – a man whose blood would be worth bottling – if it hadn’t already clotted:Neil Christensen
The Lazarus – for return from death, or near death experience.
Over the years, few awards have been more hotly contested than the Lazarus. In days gone by, it was thought that Rowan Fell had a vice like grip on this, due to his daily battles with viruses, metabolic derangements, and, more recently, disturbance in the intestinal biome. However, it is no secret that many Old Salopians are intensely competitive and have gone to extraordinary lengths to keep this award away from him. This year, the bar has been raised again. The nominees are:
•Peter Babu Bertelsen, who was not content to rely on his normal repertoire of high speed night time crashes, but threw in self amputation of a digit to raise the stakes
Peter Babu Bertelsen, who was not content to rely on his normal repertoire of high speed night time crashes, but threw in self amputation of a digit to raise the stakes•Neil Christensen, who diversified his portfolio, by combining frequent neurosurgical procedures, with recurrent intestinal failure. He combined this with a traditional bike path crash and then added a pulmonary embolus for good measure. This entry certainly demonstrated commitment, but perhaps lacked focus
Neil Christensen, who diversified his portfolio, by combining frequent neurosurgical procedures, with recurrent intestinal failure. He combined this with a traditional bike path crash and then added a pulmonary embolus for good measure. This entry certainly demonstrated commitment, but perhaps lacked focus•Daryn Steains, who travelled to India and returned with a virus even Rowan has not previously had. We are pleased to see that a touch of Ebola has only slowed him slightly
Daryn Steains, who travelled to India and returned with a virus even Rowan has not previously had. We are pleased to see that a touch of Ebola has only slowed him slightly•But for sheer stupidity combined with the potential for loss of life and limb, it was impossible to look past one nominee. Building on a strong back catalogue of reckless injuries, the winner threw caution to the wind. In one decisive move, he grasped the trophy by impaling himself on a large branch, which skidded down his femur and entered his knee joint. His presence of mind to apply an inner tube tourniquet, prior to removing the spear from his leg, got him across the line.
But for sheer stupidity combined with the potential for loss of life and limb, it was impossible to look past one nominee. Building on a strong back catalogue of reckless injuries, the winner threw caution to the wind. In one decisive move, he grasped the trophy by impaling himself on a large branch, which skidded down his femur and entered his knee joint. His presence of mind to apply an inner tube tourniquet, prior to removing the spear from his leg, got him across the line. And so, with deep admiration from all concerned and no, Nick Gelber, you can’t have the inner tube to recycle, I give to you, the 2017 winner of the Old Salopian Lazarus Award………..
Walter LedermanThe Isaac Newton – for the rider most affected by gravity
Now the Isaac Newton award was only introduced in 2016, but immediately, some riders saw its potential and set their sights on this. The nominees were:
•Nick Gelber – whose battles with gravity are legendary. No sooner does he point his bike uphill than massive gravitational waves, emanating from the black hole at the heart of our galaxy, seem to reach out and affect him personally. These waves have come in surges in Tasmania, where he has managed to fall off 3 years in a row – whilst going uphill!
Nick Gelber – whose battles with gravity are legendary. No sooner does he point his bike uphill than massive gravitational waves, emanating from the black hole at the heart of our galaxy, seem to reach out and affect him personally. These waves have come in surges in Tasmania, where he has managed to fall off 3 years in a row – whilst going uphill!•Peter Bertelsen – who seems to be unaffected by gravity whilst climbing mountains, but is inexplicably affected whilst riding home at night. The stewards have disqualified these episodes for repeatedly returning a positive swab. Nonetheless, his effort in crashing on the Peaks Challenge caught the eye of the judges, given that it was accompanied by a characteristically robust exchange of views with the peloton.
Peter Bertelsen – who seems to be unaffected by gravity whilst climbing mountains, but is inexplicably affected whilst riding home at night. The stewards have disqualified these episodes for repeatedly returning a positive swab. Nonetheless, his effort in crashing on the Peaks Challenge caught the eye of the judges, given that it was accompanied by a characteristically robust exchange of views with the peloton.•Neil Christensen – whose attitude to falling off is “not if – but when”. He extended his repertoire by deliberately riding off the bike path to find a suitable place to crash.
Neil Christensen – whose attitude to falling off is “not if – but when”. He extended his repertoire by deliberately riding off the bike path to find a suitable place to crash.•Ben Brady – who managed a full somersault over the handlebars at 5km per hour on the Woods Point trip
Ben Brady – who managed a full somersault over the handlebars at 5km per hour on the Woods Point trip•Will Crothers – who embarked on a rigorous training program to qualify for the right to fall off in Italy.
Will Crothers – who embarked on a rigorous training program to qualify for the right to fall off in Italy.But the winner is a dark horse. A man who appears superficially to be in total control of all that he attempts. However, under cover of darkness, on the boulevard, he makes his move and exits the saddle. He may not do it as often as some, but his invariable use of an ambulance, coupled with his prolonged surgical recovery, has made this year’s winner….
Justin Mackellin
The Austin Powers – for leading the internationally shagadelic life that Old Salopians imagine they aspire to.
The inaugural winner of this important award was, of course, Scott Davies. Sadly his life has declined to one of domestic bliss and the judges have seriously considered retrospectively disqualifying him on the grounds of establishing a functional adult relationship. Thank goodness we have other riders who understand the commitment it takes to achieve this accolade. In the last 2 years, this has been a 2 horse race. Whilst Ben Brady has focussed on the international criteria, his arch rival, Nick Bourke, has focussed on volume. During the 2017 Tour de Tassie, Nick and Ben went head to head at the ironically named Launceston Gentleman’s club. They masqueraded as a couple of miners, out for a night in the big city. Sad to say, Ben faltered at the final hurdle, when he asked a comely young physio student – “What are you doing here”. This error of judgement and descent into paternalistic concern, allowed the winner to sail through and grab line honours. I speak of a man who ensured that even the responsibility of driving the support van would not get between him and a new Bumble notification. We give you….
Nick BourkeThe Floyd Landis
Now we come to the Floyd Landis award – a trophy for a rider who has demonstrated improbable and suspicious improvement. This has been a very limited field as most riders have contented themselves with simply deteriorating less rapidly than otherwise might have occurred. Nonetheless, one rider has stood out. Not only has he improved, but, like Floyd, he has resorted to dubious and unnatural methods. We have become accustomed to the occasional Salopian resorting to unconscionable practices like drinking less alcohol, eating sensibly and adhering to a training regime – and this year’s winner did all of these – to his everlasting shame. However, his use of supplements lifted his performance to another level. Early in the year he tried high dose bee venom in an impromptu experiment that resulted in his wife being stung more than he was – and consequently delivering a dose of her own venom. He then went on to experiment with new supplements and in a random drug test, his urinary levels of turmeric set a new world benchmark. Whatever his methods, no one can dispute that our winner has truly improved in a most improbable manner and is a worthy winner. I give to you:
Will CrothersThe Albert Einstein
As an undisputed genius, Albert Einstein had much to say on a range of issues. He once observed that there are only two things that are infinite – the universe, and human stupidity – and he wasn’t so convinced about the universe. So, this award celebrates human stupidity, as it applies specifically to cycling. And what a rich field we have to draw on. Is there a man or woman amongst us, who could not legitimately claim to have behaved in a stupid fashion in the year just gone. It could be signing up for a 5th Tassie tour, tackling the Peaks Challenge, heading off on the Baw Baw challenge with only a pair of shorts and thongs or deflating your tubeless tires and watching the valve stem fly off into the distance in the middle of nowhere. It could be choosing a cycling holiday in Armenia, or thinking you can deceive your wife by purchasing a new bike - one component at a time and putting it down to routine maintenance, Nick Gelber. Sawing off a thumb, coming off anticoagulation, treating Atrial Fibrillation with alcohol or simply imagining that this might be the week that you can hang onto the A Team. The possible ways of displaying one’s stupidity are legion.
Yet, one man has taken stupidity to a whole new level. We thought he had peaked last year, by Everesting and then completing the High Rolleur challenge. But this year, he did 450km, whilst climbing most mountains in Victoria – in one 24 hour period. For sheer, unadulterated and magnificent stupidity, we salute:
Stuart Partridge
The Lanterne Rouge
At the start of this year, many Old Salopians effectively resigned themselves to the idea that the LR would be out of reach for them. Such was the vice like grip of the recent winner, Nick Gelber, that many did not even attempt to challenge him. During the year, Nick developed new strategies, riding in disguise and making unexpected detours down side streets. However, attempts to further reduce his average speed by actually riding in the opposite direction, were not in the spirit of the event. Indeed, there were hints of arrogance in the way he went about his business and repeatedly talked up his performance with the claim that he was the slowest rider for his age in the world. He evicted his younger son, to expand his home trophy room. And then, inexplicably, he lost focus and in one calamitous performance risked it all. On day 2 in Tasmania, 140km, with a substantial climb, the van crept up beside him and the offer to get inside was made. Maybe he was hypoxic or delirious, but he uttered the immortal words – “no thanks, I’d rather keep riding up this hill”. And at that moment the trophy was lost.
While all eyes had been on Nick, few had noticed that a previous champion in the art of slow cycling was back in form. He popped out for a few early and late season appearances on a Tuesday. He backed up with some Friday rides. Keen observers should have noticed that he was, indeed, riding with breathtaking slowness. And finally, on the slopes of the Sierra Nevada in Spain, he delivered a performance for the ages. Those who witnessed it, said it was hard to determine whether he was actually going up the mountain, or was the mountain just slowly eroding away underneath him. It is great to have him back in form. I give you, the 2017, Lanterne Rouge:
Gordon Lawrence
The Mike Poole
Now last, and by all means least, we come to the signature award. The Mike Poole. This award celebrates the lack of involvement of our patron Mike, who sadly could not be with us tonight. Each year someone makes a commitment to riding as little as possible, particularly with his erstwhile mates. It is important to realise that this trophy cannot be awarded to someone who simply cannot be bothered or whose lack of involvement is a consequence of illness or overseas travel. It requires a firm commitment to non attendance – even when the opportunity presents itself. This year’s winner has demonstrated his determination to be recognised for deliberate non attendance, by posting his alternate activities on Strava. The rest of us religiously keep antisocial hours, waking early, disturbing the sleep of our partners, then collapsing on the couch by 8:30 that night. But this man has repeatedly and flagrantly ridden with his wife and family and flaunted this on Strava, seemingly enjoying himself. We trust it is only a passing phase, but this year’s Mike Poole award for non attendance must go to:
Andrew Munday