OLD SALOPIANS
The Future of Cycling .... The Mike Poole Way!
Old Salopians Awards 2016
Good evening all. Once again I welcome you to the annual general meeting of the Old Salopians, duly constituted under our Charter. Over the last year, as the Old Salopians have gone about the business of doing what we do best, the independent umpires have been closely observing the performances and rating them against the stringent criteria enshrined in the bylaws.
It is with regret that I have to announce that this year, there will be no recipient of the longstanding Christian Barnard award for cardiac misadventure. A lame attempt from Neil Christensen to qualify was disqualified on the grounds that his hope of being affected by the Cocksackie virus, which struck down Nick Gelber last year, was tragically based on his misreading of the correct name of this condition, which raised his hopes, if nothing else. Similarly, a last minute entry from John Reeves has been excluded as he went off after acceptances. Going into Atrial Fibrillation one week out from the awards is impressive, but futile.
The rules subcommittee have also been presented with a conundrum, similar to that which the AFL faced with Jobe Watson. I refer, of course, to the former winner of the Austin Powers trophy for leading the most internationally shagadelic life – Scott Davies. This of course, post dated the infamous pale blue Jockettes incident, which marred the never to be forgotten Danish Derriere competition.
I digress. Scott’s dominance of the Austin Powers trophy in years gone by, clearly led to complacency. Those of us who were privileged to be invited to the house that he and Amanda have purchased, were treated to a scene of such domestic harmony that we feel compelled to call upon Scott to look into his heart and consider surrendering his prior award. We leave this to his conscience.
The Austin Powers
Anyway, this leads us on to the awards for 2016 and what better place to start, than with the Austin Powers. Like his legendary jocks, Scott may have faded into history, but new contenders have emerged. It has been a tight run race this year, with two thoroughbreds vying for this award. It was clear that Nick Bourke had achieved much on the shagadelic criteria, with his commitment to regularly cutting one from the herd. However, Nick fell sadly fell short on the international requirements for this trophy. There can, as always, be only one winner and for consistent performance in achieving the international shagadelic lifestyle to which many aspire, if only in their imagingation, we have pleasure in awarding the 2016 Austin Powers award to:
Ben Brady
The Lazarus
Like the Christian Barnard, the Lazarus award is one of our most enduring. Many felt that Rowan Fell had established a lifetime grip on this trophy, due to his enduring battles with viruses, pH imbalance and electrolyte disturbances. However, in the last year, one Salopian has risen and ridden to the challenge – of proving himself to be more accident prone than a cow with a cup of tea, yet more resilient than the Black Knight. Yes, we give you a man who has wrestled with snakes, tangled with grates and crashed when smashed, but still gets back on the bike and achieves greatness the rest of us can only aspire to.
Babu himself – Peter Bertelsen.
The Isaac Newton
2016 has been a big year for physicists – and more of that later. It is generally recognised that Isaac Newton was the first physicist to formally describe the force of gravity. Galileo had something to say on the matter, when he postulated that objects fell or descended at the same rate irrespective of their mass. Anyone who has seen Mark Valena descend through the Martha Cove underpass would know that Galileo had this completely wrong and deserved to be threatened with excommunication and being burned at the stake.
Gravity is a force that all cyclists recognise, but some believe they have been singled out for special attention. Nick Gelber has fought a long and losing battle against gravity for years, whilst others, like Noel, seem relatively unaffected.
2016 was the year that physicists first detected what they believe was a gravitational wave – as first predicted by Albert Einstein. Using incredibly sensitive lasers, scientists detected ripples in the fabric of space time, which they attributed to the collapse of a galaxy around a giant black hole, a billion or so years ago.
However, our analysis has revealed that these gravitational waves in fact corresponded to mountain bike rides undertaken by this year’s winner of the inaugural Isaac Newton award. No man has been more afflicted by sudden surges in the gravitational field, no other rider has actually been personally responsible for epiphenomena, uniting relativity and quantum theory. We have much pleasure in awarding the inaugural Isaac Newton award for research into Gravity to:
Neil Christensen.
The Albert Einstein
Yes, 2016 was a big year for physics. Albert Einstein not only knew a bit about gravity, but he also famously remarked that “stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again – and expecting a different result’.
Now, the nominees for this award are therefore numerous. It could be argued that all of us, who turn left on to Beach road on a Saturday are fulfilling Einstein’s criteria for stupidity.
Nonetheless, some have taken this concept to another level. I speak of course, of those who have decided that it would be a good idea to ride up and down the same hill all day, in the course of Everesting.
The runner up for this award, is Daryn Steins, who spent a ridiculous day not only qualifying as ‘Everesting’, but deciding to continue to on to the 10,000 vertical metre High Roleur Mark.
But for sheer, unmitigated stupidity, we cannot go past a man who has done this twice in one year.
We have great pleasure in awarding the Albert Einstein trophy for repetitious stupidity to:
Stuart Partridge.
The Floyd Landis Award – for improbable improvement
For many Salopians just deteriorating less slowly than we otherwise might, year on year counts as success. Nonetheless, occasionally someone actually improves their performance and does not simply rely on others getting worse at a faster rate than them.
Naturally, suspicion falls upon riders who have improbably improved and the full spotlight of the rules subcommittee is brought to bear. Last year, Anthony Bourke shot to prominence in this category. He achieved significant and improbable improvement by the unconscionable strategy of rigorous training and sensible eating. This earned him the trophy, but also the opprobrium of most other riders who had long since eschewed such unnatural practices.
So, it is with some relief that we note that this year’s winner seems to have adopted neither of these tactics. He owes his improvement to the age old tactic of marital breakup, which has served so many of the members well in terms of athletic, if not financial performance. He has demonstrated that simply by regressing to a lifestyle and behaviour pattern of a single man in his twenties, he can also wind back the clock in terms of athletic performance. This is important research and for this we award the 2016 Floyd Landis trophy for improbable improvement to:
Nick Bourke
The Mike Poole Award for Non Attendance
Unfortunately, this year Mike has been unable to attend in person or by video link to present this award. This may, possibly, relate to me failing to tell him the event was on. Nonetheless, we press on and once again celebrate a Salopian who has been conspicuously absent. There has been significant competition once again for this award, with Gordon Lawrence again polling strongly whilst Tim Lewis and Justin Mariani put in solid efforts to miss months at a time. However, there can be only one winner and this man leaves a bigger hole in the peleton than virtually anyone else when he is not there. I speak of course, of Rod Lockwood.
Now it appears that Rod has followed tradition and been unable to attend, so I call upon the runner up, Gordon Lawrence, to accept the award on Rod’s behalf.
The Lanterne Rouge.
And now we come slowly to the final award. The Lanterne Rouge. This award celebrates life in the slow lane. We seek a cyclist who doesn’t just slow down to smell the roses, but actually has time to watch them grow as he rides past. For those who profess to love cycling, it is puzzling to the Lanterne Rouge why they are in such a hurry to stop cycling. They are stationery at Beacon Cove, whilst he is still savouring the headwinds on Beaconsfield Parade – or possibly still on Beach Road.
It had seemed for a few years that Nick Bourke had this trophy sewn up. Indeed we considered retiring it until a prior winner burst back into form last year. This year, he has maintained his commitment to riding ever slower.
I give to you, a man we all love; one to whom acceleration is an abstract concept; a man who has a calendar, not a Garmin on his headstem – the 2016 Lanterne Rouge:
Nick Gelber
