OLD SALOPIANS
The Future of Cycling .... The Mike Poole Way!
SALOPIAN AWARDS 2015
The Christian Barnard Trophy – for cardiac misadventure
Always a hotly contested field – and I suspect will become even more so in years to come.
Past winners include: Noel Jacobs – Atrial fibrillation and ablation, Peter Bertelsen – pulmonary embolus,
Matt Woods – pulmonary embolus and, runners up, John Reeves – coronary stent and Nick Bourke – SVT and ablation.
This year’s nominees are:
Walter Lederman – who joined the growing ranks of Salopians who have had bits of their hearts cooked for arrhythmias, but showed no imagination by acquiring an arrhythmia that many others before him had already suffered:
Nick Gelber – who broke from the tradition of arrhythmias, coronary artery disease and pulmonary emboli, to acquire a viral cardiomyopathy due to the magnificently named Cocksackie virus.
And the winner, who has spent the last 55 years predicting he would get something like this – Nick Gelber.
The Lazarus Award – for a Salopian returning from a near death experience
What a rich history this trophy has. When first awarded, few could imagine that anyone could wrest this away from Rowan Fell. His weekly encounters with life threatening viruses established a benchmark.
Sadly, Rowan has been enduring a prolonged bout of good health this year, so was not a contender.
Subsequently Noel lifted the bar by hovering between life and death until he elected to have a variety of non essential components removed – only to re-emerge stronger and faster than ever before.
Neil has been a consistent performer over the years. Whilst Daryn treats cycling like formula 1, combining advanced aerodynamics with meticulous preparation, Neil adopts more of the demolition derby approach to the sport. Undaunted by recurrent trips to ICU and a string of Emergency Department presentations, Neil has been the Black Knight of the Salopians, brushing off each new and more spectacular crash with admirable disdain.
So, it was clearly going to take an epic performance for someone other than Neil, to take out the 2015 trophy. Nonetheless, from out of nowhere, our winner made his charge. It was not sufficient to have one of the two major arteries to his brain decide to take a different path, he went on to have a puzzling illness that had the best minds in neurology completely bamboozled. Just when it seemed that all was lost – he was back! Although his scan showed he had lost a number of parts of his brain - fortunately these were areas that he had not been using! Borrowing from Noel’s philosophy, the elimination of redundant body components has only made him a better cyclist. The Salopians welcome the Lazarus return of …… Steve Perry!
The Kenworth Truck – Most Draughtable Award
Contrary to the misconception of many, a light and lean build is not a desirable quality in cyclists. Whilst it may be beneficial to the rider personally, it offers nothing positive to their colleagues. The likes of James Cunningham and Anna Brady, who slip through the atmosphere, barely disturbing the air molecules, completely miss the point. For those of us who spend our lives lurking in the bosom of the peloton, we seek a broad and comforting presence in front of us.
This award was introduced in 2014, when a strong field saw the indomitable Roddy Lockwood take away the trophy for the rider who most of us would prefer to be behind. Many thought that Roddy would be a hot favourite for the 2015 trophy. Indeed he worked hard in the early part of the season, to increase his cross sectional area. However, Roddy dropped out of contention, on the grounds that to be most draughtable, you actually need someone behind you. This lapse allowed another strong contender to burst through the pack and claim the award. In previous years, he had been hampered by a tendency for his bike to self destruct, which caused the draughtees to not only lose the advantage of sheltering behind him, but also feel nervous about which bike component would next fly towards them at speed. However, a relatively trouble free 12 months, whereby, for the most part, his bike stayed in one piece, allowed a man who was born to the role, to claim the Kenworth
Truck – most draughtable award. Having spent approximately 249 of the Round the Bay in a Day kilometres behind him, I am very proud to award the trophy to – Mark Valena.
The Anna Meares Award
Prior to last year’s awards, the judges were called to account that the Anna Meares – you ride like a girl award – could be perceived to be sexist - notwithstanding the fact that Anna Meares could kick the butt of any Salopian past or present. So – last year we chose to drop the ‘you ride like a girl’ tagline – only to be admonished by the serial winner – Davina. It appeared that now we were being sexist by being politically correct – which only goes to show why most blokes are completely bamboozled by these issues. Anyway – this year, the Anna Meares - You ride like a girl Trophy is unashamedly back. What has made this interesting is that Davina no longer has the field to herself. The arrival of Melissa, Anna, Chelsea and a bevy of mysterious, but disturbingly fast young women on Thursday mornings, has made this more than a one horse race. In fact, this year, the winner is no longer Davina, but rather a junior Fallopian, who has demonstrated clearly that the apple has not fallen far from the tree as she embarks on suicidal attacks down the outside on a Saturday morning. Fellow Salopians, I give you – the young and seriously fast – Chelsea Munday.
The Floyd Landis – Improbable Improvement Award
We now move to an award, which celebrates a Salopian whose improvement in the last year not only defies the laws of nature, but demonstrates a disregard for custom and practice. In the ancient Olympics, scorn and derision were heaped upon athletes who sought to gain an advantage by training. Similarly, the Old Salopians look askance at members who seek to become better through unnatural practices, like
sensible diet, relative abstinence and disciplined training. When such activities are accompanied by significant weight loss, the opprobrium of the group grows stronger. Perhaps we can forgive this year’s winner on the grounds of naivety. Perhaps he didn’t understand the Salopian law that weight cannot truly be lost, but only transferred within the group. So, gentlemen, as some of us survey our growing
paunches, we can only blame one man. Someone who has defied convention, broken the mould and sought advantage through unnatural and unconscionable practices – I give to you, the 2015 winner of the Floyd Landis – Improbable Improvement Award – Anthony Bourke.
The Lanterne Rouge
OK – now we are getting down to the serious end of the night. Whilst many amongst us seek to ride ever faster, keenly uploading and reviewing Strava segments, in the hope of scoring PBs, others take a different path. Just as the slow food movement has taken hold, so too do some of our colleagues embrace the art of slow cycling. These are the riders who would rather enjoy the journey than the destination, which is just as well as they often don’t reach it. These are the riders who adopt a tantric view of cycling, whereby the longer the ride, the more climactic the experience.
In recent years, one man has held a vice like grip on this award and many thought his hold on the trophy was unassailable. After the legendary ‘3Peat’, who could seriously challenge Nick Bourke for this honour. Nonetheless, early season form suggested that Nick was not the man he used to be. All dynasties end. There were times when he came home with not one, but two, riders behind him. He could see his grip on the trophy slipping. In a calculated act of desperation, he recruited his younger brother Anthony, a complete novice, to at least keep the trophy in the family. However, in an act of betrayal not seen since Brutus had a lash at Julius Caesar, Anthony went off script and became a serious cyclist.
Meanwhile, another man plotted and schemed to regain a trophy he had long held to be his by right. We have never seen before, such a calculated and disciplined campaign. I think it is fair to say that we are all in awe of this year’s winner. We hear a lot from younger footballers about how much they learn about preparation from the club champions and surely young cyclists have a lot to learn from this man - Justin.
In the first instance, he went overseas for 3 months. Now who amongst us could travel to the UK and much of Europe – and have the self discipline to not take a bike, not ride a bike and devote ourselves to gourmandising? I put it to you, that most of us would weaken and climb a few cols – but not this man. On returning to Australia, he embarked on a long and determined period of tapering through the winter
months to ensure that all base fitness completely dissipated.
Once he resumed cycling, he promptly acquired the new and exotic Cocksackie virus already alluded to. Not content with that – he embarked on a carefully regulated drug program, designed to further weaken him.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the 2015 winner of the Lanterne Rouge – The Mighty Gelberini –
Nick Gelber!
The Mike Poole - non attendance trophy.
Ladies and Gentlemen, we now come to the highlight of the night and we have a special treat for you. As you know, we Salopians proudly wear our kit, which honours our absent patron – Mike Poole. Tonight, for the very first time, it is my pleasure to introduce him to you. Unfortunately Mike could not attend in person – but he has sent this video:
