OLD SALOPIANS
The Future of Cycling .... The Mike Poole Way!
Salopian Awards 2014
Awards: It has been a very successful year for the Salopians. We seem to now be one of the larger cycling clubs around, judging by our magnificent peleton most Saturdays. This is a tribute, I think to the complete lack of structure and leadership which has characterised us. In fact this year we have produced 2 qualifiers for the World Iron Man Championships in Austria this year – Davina and Ryan.
Congratulations to you both and we trust we will see you on the podium in full Salopians kit.
However, World Championships are all very well, but do pale into insignificance somewhat in comparison to receiving a Salopian trophy. These have a long tradition and I know that many of you treasure your awards and fiercely resist attempts by others to consign them to the shed or Op Shop.
So without further ado – let’s commence.
Christian Barnard Trophy – for surviving a major cardiac event;
• Low number of nominations
• Walter, Nick Bourke and Noel all managed to have normal heart rhythms for most of the year and John Reeves has proven his stent is in mighty good nick
• At the 11th hour, one man came good – proving that no phone call that begins – “I’m calling from hospital in Delhi” can be entirely good news, he went to extremes to earn this award. He needed to
combine altitude, dehydration and travel to have a PE and follow in the footsteps of Babu. The award goes to Matt Woods.
Bill Clinton Award – for improbable and implausible excuses. – a new award
Nominees are:
• Andrew Kitchen for: “It’s my backpack, it’s these wheels, it’s these damn Gatorskins, it’s my ankle” – unfortunately unsuccessful as excuses generally were followed by stellar performance – which is against the spirit of the award.
• Nick Gelber for: “Ross has rooted my legs at the gym, I think I’ve got cancer, I must have a muscle wasting disease”- honourable mention
• But the winner – and something of a lifetime achievement award here. For excuses including: “my magnesium is too low, my trainer and naturopath says my acid level is too high, I need to change my cadence and drink more apple cider vinegar– and of course the ever reliable fallback - I’ve got a bit of a virus” – Rowan Fell
The Anna Meares Trophy for fastest female Salopian.
This award was previously a bit of a one horse race, but in the last year we have been delighted to see a few more women clip in and have a crack. Nominees include:
• Judy Reeves – a promising newcomer, whose season was brought to a halt by a fall brought on by the negligence of John, who caused her to turn her head to look for him. The commissaires have dealt with him appropriately Judy and charged him with culpable cycling
• Melissa Munday – some promising appearances early, but faded from contention later in the season, when she seemed more interested in aiming for the Mike Poole trophy.
• Anna Brady – whose power to weight ratio must exceed any of the other Salopians – but who ultimately was just shaded due to some inconsistency.
• So the two time winner, whose form has not only got her into the world IronMan championships, but also caused quite unnecessary embarrassment to a number of the foundation Salopians –
Davina!
The Kenworth Prime Mover award – another new award.
Many people mistakenly believe that the ideal cycling physique is to be whippet thin and 5 foot nothing, but nothing could be further from the truth. For those of us down the back of the peleton, we judge our colleagues by their draughtability and there is keen competition to position oneself appropriately behind such a rider. This award was particularly difficult to decide, but fortunately we have a scientific scale to guide us. The International Salopian Draughtability Index has been developed by rigorous research methodology. For those interested in statistics – Rowan – it is a linear analogue scale, which rates draughtability from 0 – 10. Several Salopians were immediately excluded on this basis, with Justin scoring -3 and Noel and James – 5. However, at the serious end of the scale, we had Mark Valetta and John Reeves in equal second place with a score of 9 apiece. But the clear winner, with a wind assisted rating of 13.5 – Roddy Lockwood. The Grupetto gives thanks to you Roddy.
The Mike Poole Non Attendance Award
Now we get into the serious end of the awards. The coveted Mike Poole non attendance trophy. Mike couldn’t be with us tonight unfortunately. Now a few Salopians seem to have been confused about the judging criteria for this. It is necessary to attend, on a bike, at least once for the year. It is also handy if you do this, prior to the trophies being engraved. So late appearances by Zoltan Bodvai on Sunday 2 weeks ago, Matt Woods 1 week ago and Simon Scanlon this morning – all appearing for the first time in 2014 – were well intentioned, but ineligible. Sadly, the award can only go to one winner and we all hope he will not try and go back to back next year because we have missed him – Gordon Lawrence.
And last, and by all means least, we come to the Lanterne Rouge for the Salopian demonstrating the most consistent dedication to the beautiful art of slow cycling. The field has been hot this year but form has been patchy. However, we need to remember this award cannot be won by a single disappointing performance – the judges look for consistency throughout the season. We have had to look at each round and fortunately have had the advantage of Matt Naughton’s tail light video recordings. Anyone appearing in these recordings was an automatic nominee.
The nominees for the 2014 Lanterne Rouge are:
Simon Woods – for consistent slowness on the Tour de Tassie, but possibly let himself down with some occasional flashes of late season speed.
Nick Gelber – more of a specialist in the hills, where performances were solid, but a couple of sightings of Nick at the Black Rock clock tower may have counted against him.
Matt Naughton who slavishly reviews all of his video footage of scenery after each ride, looking hopefully for evidence of fellow cyclists, but who showed flashes of form on the hills which may have cruelled his chances.
And the winner is: - The man who is to the Lanterne Rouge what the Brisbane Lions were to the AFL premierships in the first part of this century – with an unbelievable Threepeat – Nick Bourke.
Now that brings an end to the awards, but in case you were thinking of enjoying yourselves, we have another event in store for you. I have noticed that many of you are getting older and as such starting to reflect more on life. Major questions confront us, like retirement and do Zimmer frames come in carbon fibre. As we all know cycling is a metaphor for life and I think it is helpful to view these big issues in this context. As I searched through the works of some of the great philosophers and poets, I stumbled across a work by Leonard Cohen in which he ponders these matters. Some of you may be familiar with ‘Tower of Song’ in which he attempts to unravel the meaning of life. This song has gone through a number of changes over the decades, but I discovered an early version - from Leonard Cohen’s cycling years and I would like to share this with you.
If you have seen Leonard in concert, you will know that he compensates for his lack of vocal range by having highly talented and beautiful backup singers. So I would like to call on Roddy to join me for this number, to recreate this experience for you. Roddy and I have embarked on a creative partnership since this morning, so please indulge us and feel welcome to laugh at us, not just with us.
Don't Turn Left at Belmore Road
(to be sung - approximately - to the tune of Leonard Cohen's Tower of Song)
Now the group has gotten faster
While my hair's turned gray
And I ache in the places
Where I used to play
But I'm not one to surrender
That's why I wrote this ode
I'm slow and getting slower but
I won't turn left at Belmore Road
Look there at Gelberini
Head bobbing up and down
He's giving all he's got to give,
To make those wheels go 'round,
But you and he and I know,
Those legs will soon implode
And now he's going backwards but
He won't turn left at Belmore Road
Roddy goes off yearly,
To see Gallipoli,
When he returns, we find he's twice,
The man he used to be,
He's gained in weight and wisdom,
He learned at Anzac Cove,
Although the cause is hopeless,
don't turn left at Belmore Rd
Know your limitations,
Well that's what Clint said,
But don't tell that to Gordy,
He'd as soon be dead,
When he comes back from Eildon,
Where the VB flowed,
He'll puff and swear and vomit but,
He won't turn left at Belmore Rd
Now Matt's back is shot,
And his speed long gone,
But he's not giving up
He just soldiers on
They wait for him on 'C' Hill
That's Marauders' Code,
Don't surrender, they'll respect you,
And don't turn left at Belmore Rd.
My shed is full of bikes now,
'though Walter's shed is worse,
I'll buy a Di2 set,
When they make it with reverse,
I can't buy speed or talent,
Still - my habit grows,
I'm slow and getting slower but,
I won't turn left at Belmore Road.
Sometimes when I'm climbing,
And the road ahead tilts up,
I have a secret dream
That I could earn a Strava cup,
But then I see my Garmin
Now is in pause mode,
I guess it thinks I stopped or
P'raps turned left at Belmore Rd.
The Peleton combined I think
Has lived a thousand years,
Most of that is Pete but then,
He's gaining lots of peers,
The greyhounds all get faster,
When they should have slowed,
We labradors won't catch them but,
We won't turn left at Belmore Road.
